


Boots Are Made for Cupboards & Doctors Are Made for Songs

by alissabobissa



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-19
Updated: 2011-08-19
Packaged: 2017-10-22 19:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/241819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alissabobissa/pseuds/alissabobissa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amy spies, River sings, the Doctor heroes, and Rory helps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boots Are Made for Cupboards & Doctors Are Made for Songs

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lunar47](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunar47/gifts).



> Written because I couldn't get the image of River Song as a lounge singer out of my head. Also, this was started before 'A Good Man Goes to War' aired, so place it in or out of canon wherever you see fit.

 

When they turned up outside of a night club called The Singing Bird on a planet that smelled faintly of chocolate and licorice, Amy hadn't been surprised in the least to find River inside. The invitation had appeared on the psychic paper with a small heart drawn in the corner, and though the Doctor pretended to debate with himself over whether or not to go – "She has got to learn that I'm not just transport in a bow tie!" – he had that same combined look of pride and amusement that he could never quite keep from his features whenever he got one of her messages. All it took was a short trip in the TARDIS and the psychic paper waved at the four-armed alien bouncer that was mostly muscles, and the Doctor, Amy and Rory made it past the velvet rope.

If the name of the club hadn't been clue enough that they were in the right place, then the sight of a certain time-traveling archeologist stretched out on a large black piano on a raised stage and crooning away into a microphone was a dead giveaway. A few years younger than Amy had ever seen her, River was radiant in the single spotlight that illuminated the entire smoky room. She wore a mischievous smile and a white shimmery dress that practically glowed and left a trail of light as she moved. River shook her wild curls as she slid up the piano on her stomach and kicked up her heels to finish her song with a sultry, "look for me," and then so much lower, "I'll be around."

She was quite simply stunning.

Just as River had been receiving scattered applause with blown kisses and "thank you, darlings" in return, she spotted the new arrivals and froze. A brilliant smile seemed to spread from her mouth out into her whole body as she slid rather elegantly off the piano and uttered those familiar words, "Hello, Sweetie."

Amy could have sworn she saw her wink before turning around to lift the piano's lid and reach inside. That's when things had really started to get interesting. A large purple alien in a zoot suit got to his feet at a table in the back corner of the club. Amy saw him point at River and snap at the two guards hovering behind his table.

"Oh no, River. What have you done?" the Doctor muttered from beside Rory.

"You lot might want to take cover," River casually said to the audience, and the guards began making their way to the stage.

The entire room seemed to get a proper look at the large gun she had pulled from the piano at the same time that the Doctor yelled, "RIVER!"

Of course all that had been an hour ago. Rory, who had needed an elbow to the ribs to remind him to close his mouth sometime between the end of River's song and when the four of them were fleeing through the doors of the club, was currently taking the world's longest shower. She couldn't really blame him, though; he had been the only one who ended up covered in all that alien goo. "I suppose it's because I'm still the newest, right?" Rory had reasoned. Amy smiled, remembering his look of utter resignation when her response had been to laugh and hand him a scrub brush.

The rumbling of the TARDIS taking off sent her heading down to the control room. She was almost to the top of the stairs when she heard them. Amy rolled her eyes, but stopped short. Eavesdropping on their argument would be so easy she hardly expected it to be worth it. Good thing she was bored.

"And you shot him!" the Doctor was yelling as the TARDIS shook.

"Yes, _dear_! You turned up right on time," Amy heard River reply. She was still wearing her white sparkly gown, but the hem that had once reached the floor (albeit with a generous thigh-high slit up the side to begin with) was now torn off above the knees.

"And stop backseat driving!" The Doctor playfully smacked her hand away from a lever she'd just pulled and Amy watched as they lingered close by each other and spoke too low for her to hear. After some finger pointing, a bit of console stroking, and a few knowing smiles, the Doctor got loud again saying smugly, "Oh, trust me, she does not like you better."

"Do you honestly believe that every woman fancies you?"

"Well, you do," he said with a smirk.

"Oh, I _hate_ you."

"You really don't." There was much straightening of his jacket and hands on her waist after that, which led to more close, indistinct talking, but the conversation quickly became louder before Amy could get too terribly bored.

"Of course not!" River exclaimed defensively, taking a step back. "He had those poor people held prisoner in the basement. And I was chained to the stage, if you recall."

"And you still managed to work out a way to shoot the man!"

"All thanks to you, Sweetie," she said smiling. "You are always such a wonderful diversion."

"I suppose that's all I am to you. A screwdriver and a well-timed entrance." The Doctor really was unattractive when he sulked, but Amy reckoned River had to be used to that by now.

"You know better," River said patiently as she leaned in and straightened the Doctor's bowtie. "I was trying to say ‘thank you' just now." They both bent their heads and smiled sweetly at each others' chests.

"You're welcome, but I want no share of the credit for this." His hands had made their way to her back and hers had fallen onto the lapels of his jacket. "I won't have giant goo-filled exploding alien night club owner on my record."

"Hekderians _are_ fascinating, aren't they? I shot him in the stomach and he will have grown a new one in a week!"

"Hardly the point."

"That was regrettable, though. The goo. That smell won't be gone in a week, that's for certain." She absentmindedly touched her nose. "Poor Rory."

Being pressed tightly together as they were and no longer yelling at each other, Amy was just beginning to wonder why she could still hear them when she heard her name. Twice.

"Hello, Pond." "Amy, hello again." The two of them spoke at the same time and were staring at her expectantly.

"Hi." Crouched halfway down the stairs, her eyes as big as plates, Amy was very still, as if trying desperately not to be seen. She had unknowingly crept down most of the steps. Trying for dignity, Amy stood up, straightened her shirt and walked the rest of the way down into the control room without a word.

"Hang on," the Doctor said, turning his attention back to River. "Did you say you were chained to the stage?"

"Yes. Didn't you see the helo cuff around my ankle?"

"No, I was too busy looking at the big gun you pulled out of the piano! How exactly did you manage that, by the way?" Amy marveled from across the console at how fast the Doctor had gone from outrage to admiration.

"Don't make me say it."

"What? Spoilers?"

River sighed. "And you didn't notice anything _before_ I brought out Tony?"

"Please tell me that Tony is that disembodied robot arm thing that was playing the piano."

River shook her head.

"Tony? You call your gun Tony?" River only smiled and shrugged in response.

"And no, I wasn't looking at your, erm, ankles." The Doctor ran a nervous hand through his hair and cut River off before she could speak. "You seemed to quite enjoy yourself up there anyway. Spotlight and lying on the piano and all."

"Who says I wasn't enjoying myself? There's no need to water down the act just because I was being held captive."

"Course not. Silly old Doctor. What was I thinking?"

The TARDIS lurched, mercifully breaking up the conversation and causing the three of them to hang on to the console. Before the shaking had even ceased, the Doctor had his sonic screwdriver out, running it over some of the controls.

"What's wrong?" He placed a hand on the console and gently patted in a soothing manner for a few moments before sliding over to the scanner. The TARDIS seemed to be vibrating.

"Shove over," River said, gently pushing the Doctor away from the scanner. "You stabilize her and I'll see what's out there." He obeyed without hesitation while the room continued to pitch this way and that. Amy groped along the railing to find the seat and then held on tight.

No sooner had River declared "There's nothing out there but space!" the TARDIS gave a final great roll and stilled.

"Was that you, Sweetie?"

"No, she did that on her own." He moved over beside her and they looked at the scanner together. "You okay now, old girl?" They both fiddled with buttons and levers, and after nothing happened, Amy felt it was safe enough to stand back up.

"We're good now?" Amy asked.

"We seem to be stable, drifting in space," River said absently, her eyes still on the screen. She looked to Amy and added with a smile, "We're fine now."

The Doctor had settled himself in a crouch across from them and was busy examining the underside of the console. Amy followed River's lead and they walked over to stand behind him.

"Where's Rory when you need a thermo coupling, eh?" he muttered.

"Doctor?"

"I suppose I'll have to do it myself." He ignored them and stood up to make his way down under the floor. River let out a heavy sigh and followed him.

"Doctor, you never told me if you enjoyed my number or not." Amy had gone after them and settled on a step halfway down. Because the Doctor hadn't answered her right away, River groped her way along the hanging cables to stand a few feet in front of him and ask again.

This time he looked up from his little swing seat, a bit startled to see her so close and cleared his throat. "I thought it was brilliant." Amy had to hand it to her; River was very good at distracting the Doctor.

"What did you like about it in particular?" she said, leaning in over him a bit.

"It was lovely, erm, very nice with the singing and the," the Doctor paused and waved his hand up and down in her general direction, "dress that used to be longer. My goodness, it's half gone now!" He leaned to the left and then the right as if trying to see around her as to where the rest of it had gone. "Shame, really. When did that happen?" He seemed to catch River's eye for a moment and then look back down. "Oh, look!" he said a bit too delightedly. "There's the mark on your ankle from the helo cuff!"

River's eyes started to narrow and Amy thought now might be a good opportunity to pay the Doctor back for all those times he had rescued her. She walked down the rest of the steps and was a bit amused at the terror spreading across his face. Time to rescue him for a change.

"Hello?" Feet, ostensibly attached to Rory, had appeared above them.

"Down here!" Rory followed the sound of her voice and joined her in seconds. She linked her arm in her husband's and shot a quick glance at River. Crossed arms and a glare that could kill were not part of relaxed body language. Apparently Rory's entrance hadn't been distraction enough.

"River? How did you get captured to begin with?"

"Excellent question, Amy!" the Doctor said quickly. She smiled as he jumped up and came to stand near the stairs.

"Well, _Amy_ , to make a long story short," and River grinned, which meant Amy's plan was working, "let's just say I insulted the man."

"Oh, River, you didn't."

"I winked at him."

"Oh, you did! They hate that! In fact, if there is one thing in the entire universe that Hekderians take the most offense at, it's winking!" He was working himself up now, in River's face and pointing. Amy was glad to see that River was smirking, though now she wasn't sure she had actually saved the Doctor at all. "Did you say disagreeable things about his mum as well?"

"That would have been overkill, don't you think? Besides, he had it coming." River crossed her arms and raised her chin. "He insulted me first."

"Oh, very mature."

"Says the man with a coat pocket full of Jammie Dodgers!"

The Doctor's eyes went wide just before he smiled and reached into said pocket. "I had forgotten about these." He popped a biscuit into his mouth without delay. "What did the bad Hekderian do to you?" he asked between bites.

"He said I was a bore."

The Doctor coughed, choking on a bit of biscuit and swallowed audibly. "One thing – and I think I can speak rather confidently about the future – I would never call you, River Song, is boring."

River's face lit up in a smile, and if Amy didn't know any better she'd say River was close to tears. "That may be the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

"Give me time!" the Doctor responded, but was quick to look serious and add, "Though I suppose you have." He put a hand on his hip and rubbed his forehead. "Ooh, how about-- no, that was more clever than sweet." There was some pacing and head scratching, but it quickly led to a full stop right in front of River. He leaned in, mischievous grin on his face, and spoke in a low voice. "What about that thing I said about your, erm…" and he gestured with both his hands, "the thing?"

"Oh, Sweetie," River began as she cupped his cheek with her hand, "that doesn't count. We were in the middle of…" She shot a quick glance at Amy and Rory and made an altogether prettier gesture than the Doctor had. The Doctor's alarmed frown made River laugh, but she reached back up and touched his cheek affectionately. "Well tried though, dear."

The Doctor sunk back down into his swing and was failing to focus on repairing something under the console as River sauntered over toward the stairs. River stopped to apologize to Rory while Amy made her way over to the Doctor.

"Oh, don't worry. He's Hekderian. His torso will grow back in a few weeks, a month tops!" Amy heard River tell Rory before she ascended the stairs.

"Did you need some help?" Amy asked the Doctor.

"Rory! Good old Rory," he said, ignoring her. "There you are!" The Doctor got up and clapped Rory on the back before he started him on some wiring work on the underside of the console. Amy walked back over to sit on the stairs. Neither man noticed her sulking, so they only had themselves to blame when she was forced to make potentially uncomfortable small talk.

"Should Rory and I make ourselves scarce when River gets back?" She asked it as innocently as she could.

" _Really_ don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm only asking for our sakes. All that flirting! You two are going to combust and I don't want to be here when you do."

"Pond, do make sense." The Doctor looked up from his work and leaned towards Rory. "Can you translate?"

"Amy is suggesting that there might be some, erm," Rory tried to put it delicately, bless him, "tension between you and Doctor Song. _Sexual_ tension."

The Doctor didn't react. At all. Amy expected his ears to go pink or for him to drop his screwdriver at the very least, but he just stared through his goggles, sparks flying from the wires in his hands.

When he looked up to find her staring keenly at him, he finally replied a bit flatly, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Honestly! Rory and I don't get up to anything in front of you and we're married for God sake!"

"Amy," Rory warned.

"Well, we don't! We have a bit of discretion."

"Accordian?" River said, appearing at the top of the stairs. She had changed into some very flattering trousers and a tight-fitting cardigan and was practically gliding down the steps. "You two are the very definition of discretion, but you do need to find a better code word."

"Oh, there goes a few perfectly innocent memories!" the Doctor said miserably, throwing his hands up. Amy's mouth was open, ready with a retort she hadn't quite formed yet when River stopped on the step above where she sat.

"Sweetie, I need you above." The Doctor stood and threw some wires around. "Sweetie?" Pulling off his goggles, he finally looked up at her. "Upstairs?"

"Yes, yes. Coming," he muttered as he swept past them.

River turned to follow but stopped when Amy put a hand on her leg. "River? Do you two have one? A code word?"

"Of course not!" yelled the Doctor from above them.

River only laughed and let her eyebrows rise and fall. "Spoilers," she almost sang as she walked up to join him.

After a few minutes of reclining on the steps, when Amy couldn't content herself with listening to the footsteps scuffling about above her or watching Rory regraft that coolant damper thingy to the whats-it whooey, she began to hum to herself. If anyone asked, she was definitely not humming so that she could remember the lyrics to her favorite songs in order to get some inspiration for a new code word. Nope. But as luck would have it, no one asked.

"Amy?"

"Hmm?"

"I was asking if you heard them leave."

"What? Who?" Amy was pulled from her thoughts – no, Rory would never agree to "jellybaby" – and looked up. The Doctor and River were nowhere to be seen.

"I wasn't paying attention."

"Yeah, me neither." She stood up and walked over to stand in front of her husband. "Almost done?"

"I don't think I ever started. I'm thrilled that the Doctor lets me help, but I think I'm in over my head here." He ducked his head to the side and smiled.

"You still have a bit of –" she didn't finish but reached up and ran her finger behind his ear.

"Oh, god," he said when she held up a sticky, purple goo covered finger. "I will never be clean."

"Poor baby." Amy put her arm around Rory's waist, and they walked over to the foot of the stairs.

"I still can't get over how he rushed the stage like that. After the purple alien insides landed on half of the room, I mean." This was the second time since they had all been safely back on the TARDIS that Rory had mentioned this particular act of heroism from the club.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I'm not," Rory reached up to rub the back of his head and slightly shrug, "it's just not every day you see the Doctor be so… smooth." Amy laughed. That was not a word she would ever associate with the Doctor in any way.

"You have to admit, that was pretty good." Amy was doubled over and still laughing, the silent kind of laughter that took over her whole body. "So you're telling me you wouldn't swoon if I had done that for you? Ran through a panicked crowd, brandishing a screwdriver, punching out a goon or two, and then sweeping you down from the stage in my arms like one of those long-haired, beefy guys on the covers of your mum's romance novels?"

Amy wasn't able to stop laughing for some time, but when she calmed herself a bit, she took Rory's hand and led him up the stairs. "Of course I would swoon if it were you." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and kissed him after they reached the top. "I quite liked how you led all those poor imprisoned people up from the basement and out to safety. Less showy, but brilliant."

They were still pressed together when the TARDIS lurched again like before. Holding onto the railing for a moment, they waited to be tossed about, but the TARDIS stayed perfectly still. Amy moved to check the scanner and frowned.

"It looks like we're in a hallway."

"We're in a prison," River corrected. She and the Doctor had just made their way back to the control room, but they both looked a little worse from the journey. In front, River was a bit flushed and rumpled, but smiling despite the fact that they had arrived back at her cell in Stormcage. Behind her, the Doctor had shed his coat, his hair was sticking up all over his head and his braces were hanging by his legs.

"What happened to your bow tie?" Amy asked him as they walked up to the console.

"Must have dropped it somewhere." He pulled on a strap of his braces and did not meet Amy's eyes.

"Check the hallway past the Boot Cupboard, Sweetie." River walked around the console to stand next to Amy, and they looked at the scanner together. "We've landed during guard change. Perfect timing." Amy looked over and noticed that the buttoning was off on River's cardigan.

"Amy, Rory." River smiled back at them as she passed, moving towards the doors. "It's been a pleasure, as always." The Doctor followed after her, pulling on his other dangling strap.

"Until next time, Sweetie," River said at the door. "Oh, I'm meant to remind you to bring the handcuffs." Amy could have been imagining it, but she thought she saw her wink.

River opened the door and was through it before the Doctor said, "What? That's it?"

"Have I forgotten something?" The Doctor was now leaning out of the TARDIS, obscuring most of River from sight.

"Should we be listening to this?" Rory whispered.

"Shhh." Amy took a few small steps towards the door, but still couldn't make out what they were saying.

"Oh, shut up," she finally heard the Doctor say, and for a moment his head looked like it had a blondish, curly outline.

Amy rejoined her husband and beamed. "Guess what?"

"I can see them kissing from here."

"No, stupid. I think I found us a new word."

The Doctor had shut the TARDIS doors and was walking back to the console with a goofy grin on his face.

"Follow my lead," Amy whispered.

"Amy –" Rory managed before she grabbed his hand and led him towards the steps.

"Leaving already?" the Doctor asked. "We were just about to take off again."

"We have some business to take care of," and Amy looked directly at Rory and grinned, "in the _boot cupboard_."

End.


End file.
